Thing's I'll Never Say
by dancelikezombies
Summary: Clare has been desperately running from past events. That is until a certain person strolls back into her life, and suddenly the past starts catching up. Will he be able to save her like she has saved him countless times, or will she break beyond repair?
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: _I do not own Degrassi nor do I own the song I used for the title. Which is Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne.

_A/n:_** I kind of came up with this idea the other night when I was half asleep. I was thinking about Manny, Emma, and Liberty at Smithdale. Then I thought 'well, what if Clare, Alli, and Jenna were to go to Smithdale too?' Then I thought up this whole Clare/Eli/Adam/Eclare plot that branched off of that. This is the final outcome. It hopefully will be my first successful non-oneshot fanfiction. I can't wait to write the rest of it! I hope everyone enjoys it. **

**It will be rated T for now, but could possibly change to M later on.  
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**Just one last thing though; the prom I bring up in this fanfic is in no way related to Dead and Gone Part 2. A few things will relate back to storylines that have taken place in Season 10 and 11 though.**

**Oh and thank you to my lovely beta reader, aka my twin, Megan for proof reading this for me. Love ya twin!  
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><p>Clare glanced around at the huge campus in front of her. People were crowded in groups here and there, some handing out fliers for clubs and sororities, while others were looking around mirroring her look of complete awe. This was it; Clare Edwards was finally a university student! Even though she had taken some university classes during her senior year at Degrassi nothing could compare to the feeling of finally living on an actual campus. In a sense she felt free.<p>

Clare had been accepted into both Toronto University and Smithdale, but ended up choosing Smithdale when she decided to minor in Theater. Plus, Smithdale had not only an amazing Theater department, but also a great English program. Clare decided to major in English because of her love for reading as well as writing. So in the end Smithdale had been a win-win situation, and even though it was far away from home she knew it would be worth it.

Though truthfully Clare was glad to be far away from home, and that is another part of the reason why she had chosen to go to this specific university. Ever since _that_ night at prom, things hadn't been the same. A lot of bad stuff had happened and more proceeded to happen afterwards. Even now, she shied away from thinking about it. It was refreshing to be away from it all.

"Clare!" She turned instinctively toward the sound of her name being called only to find Alli running up to her. Alli was waving a white sheet of paper around with a huge smile on her face.

"Let me guess; you just got our dorm assignments?" Alli had come to a stop in front of her, and was now trying to catch her breath.

"Did you just run all of the way here?" Alli nodded which caused Clare to laugh.

Alli glared at her, but ended up breaking out into a smile again, "Guess what!"

"We're all roomed together?" Clare asked hopefully.

"Yes," Alli exclaimed gleefully but then her expression fell slightly. "There is one catch though… We're going to have another roommate. They couldn't find this person a room, and since we have one of the bigger rooms they figured that it would be okay if we had four people in our room."

"That's okay, but who is going to be our extra roommate?" Clare asked.

"That's the thing…," Alli looked as if she was contemplating on saying something.

"What?" Clare urged her to go on.

"They didn't tell me. It looks like it's going to be a surprise for all of us!" Alli answered quickly avoiding eye contact with her. Clare narrowed her eyes suspiciously. She knew Alli was hiding something from her, but decided against pushing her for an answer.

"Wait, I thought Jenna was with you? Where did she go?" Clare asked Alli who was studying the map that was supposed to show them where their dorm was.

"She has been swept away by a room full of musical instruments. She told me that we could go ahead and take our stuff to the dorm. She'll meet us there later." Alli laughed then glanced around, then back down to the map, and started walking off in a set direction.

"I hope you don't get us lost, Alli. You're not the best with maps. Remember that summer we took that road trip, and you got us lost in the woods?" She teased, laughing, knowing fully that Alli was probably glaring at her now.

"You can't blame that on me, Clare. You and Adam were in the backseat singing to Avril Lavigne at the top of your-"Alli eyes narrowed slightly but then she gasped suddenly stopping mid-sentence, "I'm sorry Clare—I didn't mean too."

Clare looked down at her feet as she tried to avoid eye contact with Alli so she couldn't see the look on her face, "No, Alli, it's okay. You don't have to watch what you say around me. I won't break down at the smallest mention anymore."

"How is...?" Alli's voice faded out not wanting to say the name again for fear of upsetting Clare even more.

"The last time I talked to Mrs. Torres she told me that he was still in a coma, and that the doctors aren't sure when he's going to wake up, or even if…" She couldn't finish because her throat closed up tightly at just the thought. Clare felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

"What happened that night, Clare?" Alli asked in a soft, sad tone.

"I really don't want to talk about it, okay. I don't even remember much from that night, anyway," Clare huffed quickly. She turned slightly away from Alli, and tried to hide the fact that she was swiping her hands over her eyes to get rid of the tears.

Alli knew that Clare's sudden quieting meant that she was getting even more upset. "Why don't we stop off at the café we passed earlier for some sweets and coffee before we head to the dorm?" She changed the subject quickly before grabbing Clare's arm, hauling her off in a different direction.

Clare looked up appreciatively at Alli and smiled. She was glad her friend knew to change the subject. "Are you sure you know where you're going though?" She asked cautiously trying not to laugh.

Alli rolled her eyes, "Yes, I am sure I know where I am going. Don't worry."

Clare fingered the straw on her vanilla iced coffee absentmindedly as she examined the little café. It was small and compact, which was to be expected since it was located on a university campus, but at the same time it had a nice, homey feeling. It was very comforting. She could imagine herself spending a lot of time in this place.

She took a quick sip of her iced beverage but choked suddenly when a movement in the corner caught her eye, "Alli, is that who I think it is?" Clare asked, half coughing as she pointed to a figure seated a few tables away from them.

Alli looked toward the table Clare was pointing at. Realization lit up in her eyes, and suddenly she snatched a menu off the table to cover her face with. "Yes, it's who you think it is. What is he doing here? Dave never said anything about deciding to go to Smithdale!"

"Well considering you two broke up at the end of our sophomore year you couldn't have possibly known," she pointed out.

"Whatever, let's just sneak out of here before he notices me!" Alli whispered hurriedly, starting to scoot closer to the door. Clare followed slowly behind her.

"Clare, Alli? Is that really you guys?" an all too familiar voice called out.

"Busted!" Clare whispered laughing. Alli gave her look before she turned toward the voice.

"Dave? Wow it has been a really long time." Alli forced a smile.

"Yeah it has, I didn't know that you two decided to go to Smithdale." Dave smiled back completely unaware of Alli's false smile.

"Yep, but listen we really can't chat right now. We still haven't been to our dorm room to unpack yet," she replied.

"That's cool. Maybe we could all hang out sometime?" he asked hopefully.

"Sure thing, Dave." Alli let the lack of enthusiasm she felt lace her tone.

"Well that was interesting." Clare looked as if she was about to start cracking up again.

"Shut it, Clare. Let's just get to our dorm and forget that ever happened." With that Alli headed toward the café doors.

"Are you sure this is the right place, Alli?" Clare asked. She looked down at the paper that Alli had handed her, and then back to the dorm room numbers that lined each door. None of the doors had the number _1810_ stamped on it.

"Well, the map specifically pointed us in this direction, even you read it, so don't blame it on my lack of navigational skills." Alli glanced toward the doors on the left while Clare watched the ones on the right.

"Wait. Look at the numbers on the doors; they're starting to match up!" Clare smiled. Finally, after a long day of walking they were about to reach their dorm. She, for one, could not wait to relax and unpack.

"1806, 1807, 1808, 1809, and finally here we are 1810!" Alli exclaimed. A little number had never made her this happy before.

"There might be a minor problem here, Alli. It looks like you forgot to get the key." The joyous smile fell off Alli's face. "How're we supposed to get in now?"

"We could knock. I am sure the fourth roommate is in there by now," Alli suggested.

"It's worth a shot, I guess," Clare agreed. She stepped forward and began knocking on the door.

Suddenly they heard the sound of light footsteps approaching the door. The lock flipped quietly, and the door slowly opened to reveal a figure.

"I'm sorry about that. You see, my friend forgot the key. You must be our other—" Clare looked up only to meet those all too familiar green eyes. Her jaw dropped immediately. She turned to look at Alli who by now was sporting a very guilty smile. So this is what Alli had been hiding from her earlier. She turned back slowly to face the person in front of her.

"Eli?"

His shocked, yet surprised, look mirrored hers. "Clare?"

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><p><em>An: _**Cliffhanger on the first chapter? Yes, I am very evil indeed. Sorry if this was a tiny bit boring. It was more of an introduction to my fanfic then anything. I didn't give away too much about what happened concerning Clare as well as Adam because that's part of the plot. It's going to play out over time, and trust me this is going to be one crazy plot. I hope the first chapter intrigued some people.**

**Also who ever figured out what significance the numbers 1810 have, and why I choose them for their dorm room number kudos to you =)!**

**Reviews are very much appreciated3 **

**Twitter: MunroCNation**

**Tumblr: deareli**

**-Love Lina  
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	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. Stephen Stohn does. I am just a mere Degrassian letting out her imagination on this website._

_A/n: _**I'm finally getting a chance to sit down and start writing the second chapter. I've had very hectic school weeks the past few weeks. Let's just say the workload is pretty overwhelming. I wanted to update last Friday but I got distracted so I'm sorry for the late update. However I hope you like this chapter, and I'm glad that everyone enjoyed the last one.**

**Did anyone manage to find out why I used the number 1810 for their dorm room number? If not then you'll find out at the end of this chapter =). **

**Before I start I have some people to thank though. **

**Thank you to my lovely twin for proof reading for me. If she didn't proof read it who knows how many mistakes you guys would have to put up with while reading this. Love ya twin! **

**Also thank you to one of my favorite fanfiction authors as well as one of my twitter friend's kadabrafreak890 for always urging me to write. I probably wouldn't have finished this chapter this past weekend if she hadn't. You guys should check out her fanfictions too because they're really good! **

**And last but certainly not least thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far.**

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><p>Clare couldn't believe he was actually standing in front of her. Eli Goldsworthy was their fourth roommate, and Alli had known all along. She looked back at her best friend and narrowed her eyes slightly. Clare was not pleased one bit by how Alli had decided to leave out the fact that he of all people was going to be their roommate.<p>

Alli mouthed the word 'sorry' to her through the guilty smile that seemed to be permanently engraved on her face. Clare held her glare for a few seconds before facing Eli again.

"Hey," he smirked slightly, "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

Clare averted her eyes quickly as that familiar feeling of unease set in. "Yeah, I guess it has," she muttered before she whisked past him and quickly entered the room.

It wasn't completely Eli himself that made her feel that feeling of unease. It was mostly the fact that she had originally been ecstatic about going to a school so far away from home because it was not only a fresh start, but an escape. It was an escape from certain _things_. It was somewhere she could well put the past in the past. And if Eli could show up, then who knows what else could happen. It felt ominous.

There was something else though; when she saw Eli it instantly made her thoughts turn to Adam. Adam was Eli's best friend, and now because of her Adam was in the hospital in a coma. Clare honestly didn't think she would be able to see Eli everyday without having this overwhelming sense of guilt running through her.

Eli's expression faltered and was replaced by a mask of confusion. "Did I say something…?" He glanced at Alli only to see her shrug, and look after her friend with worried eyes. "What's wrong with Clare? She seems," he struggled to find the right word, "different."

"To tell you the truth I don't have a clue," Alli answered before continuing, "Well, I mean I know part of the reason why, but I don't know any specific details."

"You're her best friend, though. She doesn't talk to you?" he asked as he glanced at Clare who was sitting on a bed rummaging through her bag.

"We do talk but only about insignificant topics. Anytime I bring up certain topics like home, prom, and Adam," they both flinched slightly at the mention of Adam, "she just shuts me out and distances herself. It's been that way since after our senior prom."

"I'm guessing the only other person who knows these details is the one person we can't communicate with at the moment," Eli sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Exactly. And the one person who we can talk to isn't going to talk to us about it," Alli agreed as she watched Eli watch Clare. Even after all this time he still had that look in his eyes when he looked at her.

"You still look at her the same way you did when we were in High School," Alli acknowledged as Eli turned his head back to face her again.

"What do you mean?" His face held a perplexed expression.

"Someone still has feelings for my best friend," Alli teased smiling.

"What? No, I don't!" Eli replied defensively.

"_Sure_ you don't," she laughed emphasizing the sarcasm a bit which caused Eli to roll his eyes.

"I just noticed something; this is the first actual conversation we've had," he pointed out seemingly surprised, "I expected an automatic 'if looks could kill' glare and maybe some mocking."

"Yeah, Clare explained to me about the whole bipolar diagnosis a while back and how I should stop dangling everything that happened over your head. I've changed a lot over the past few years. Think of it as a fresh start. I'm willing to put the bad feelings in the past if you are." Alli smiled and held out her hand, "Plus, we seem to have a bigger problem on our plates at the moment."

Eli took her hand and shook it in agreement. "On one condition though," Alli spoke up causing Eli to raise an eyebrow in curiosity, "You have to admit to me that you still have feelings for Clare."

Eli narrowed his eyes which caused Alli to laugh, "I am not admitting anything. Conversation closed!" With that Eli turned around and strode into the room.

"Conversation so not closed," she whispered to herself and laughed as she trailed after Eli, making sure to close the door behind her.

Clare looked up at the two curiously as they entered the room. Was it just her, or were they actually getting along? They seemed to be except for the fact that Alli had an oddly amused look on her face while Eli glared at her. She wondered what Alli had over Eli that he didn't want anyone else to know.

"You two seem to be getting along," Clare spoke as she looked back down at her bag.

"We buried the hatchet. Decided that if we're going to be roommates we might as well get along," Alli smiled as she walked over and took a seat beside Clare.

"Hey, wait a second. Why are there only three beds?" she questioned as she surveyed the room.

There was a single bed which herself and Clare were seated on and then there was a bunk bed directly across from them, but no other bed was in sight. The room was really spacious and not at all what she had expected their dorm room to look like. In between the single bed and the bunk bed was a window that had two medium sized dressers beneath it. Then when she looked directly left from the bed they were sitting on there was a small couch that sat in the middle of a completely empty space. There was also a set of counters with a sink which Eli was leaning against that were left from where the couch sat. In all honesty it looked more like a small apartment than a dorm room.

"I found out that there was a small room with a bed attached on to our dorm. I figured I would sleep in there." Eli suggested.

Alli was about to agree with him when suddenly the door swung opened. "Eli you're never going to believe this! Smithdale has this cute little café right on campus, and the coffee here is way better than what we're usually served at The Dot. If you can even call what they serve coffee to begin with." Fiona shuddered as she came to a stop in the middle of the room and looked around.

"Oh I see your roommates have arrived." Fiona's eyes landed on Clare and Alli. "Wait a second. Clare, Alli? You two are Eli's roommates?" Her eyes grew wide as she looked over at Eli only to meet a calm face.

"It's a small world indeed." Eli shrugged with a smirk on his face.

"Don't forget Jenna," Alli added. "She's around here somewhere."

"Wow, so you're all three of Eli's roommates. Interesting," Fiona pondered the thought for a few seconds before continuing. "Anyway, Eli, you might want to come down and get the rest of your things. I have to start heading back to Toronto if I'm going to make it back in time to visit the Hospital tomorrow morning before I leave for New York."

Clare tensed up and suddenly stopped what she was doing. Alli felt the sudden shift in Clare's demeanor. "Hey Clare, are you okay?"

Clare shook her head as if trying to clear away a bad thought. "Yeah, I'm perfectly fine," she muttered before resuming what she had been doing before. Eli noticed the exchange between the two and looked over at Clare with worried eyes. Either Clare was lying or she had forgotten the definition of the word fine, and Eli knew it wasn't the latter.

"Earth to my emo amigo," Fiona called waving her hand in front of Eli's face, "Are you coming or do I have permission to sell those comics that you have stashed in that box?"

"You wouldn't dare," he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Try me," Fiona stated simply before turning around and walking out of the room. Eli shook his head and chuckled lightly as he followed her.

"Today has been very strange," Alli sighed as she leaned back against the wall behind the bed.

"Tell me about it," Clare remarked as she sat her bag down and began taking her things out of it.

"Wasn't Jenna supposed to be back by now?" Clare asked as she pulled out a pillow and fluffed it.

"She's probably still cemented to the floor of that music room. Which reminds me…" Alli's voice faded out as she jumped up and ran over to the bunk bed, "I call the top bunk!" She exclaimed as she slapped her hand down near the top of the bed.

"Really?" Clare looked up arching her eyebrow slightly.

"What? I wanted to make sure I called it before Jenna got here," Alli replied innocently.

Suddenly a certain perky blonde strolled into the room carrying a black guitar case and a big duffle bag. "Speak of the devil," Clare said casually as Jenna sat her things down.

"I see you were finally able to tear yourself away from that room," Alli teased before dropping the bad news. "Too bad it has cost you the chance to choose your bed."

"Seriously?" Jenna's expression fell but then became confused as she studied their room, "Aren't there suppose to be four beds? Wait, does Clare know about…?"

"Yes, I know about Eli being our roommate. I don't know why it had to be this big secret," Clare glowered at the two of them before she continued to unpack her things, "You guys make it seem like I would have flipped out or something if I had known before hand."

"You would have," Jenna and Alli stated at the same time causing Clare to roll her eyes.

"Where is the man of mystery at anyway?" Jenna asked curiously as she made her way over to the bottom bunk.

"He went down stairs to get the rest of his things from Fiona's car," Clare answered as she surveyed the mess she had created in her haste to unpack all of her things.

"Well I say we leave this stuff on the floor and finish unpacking tomorrow," Jenna announced as she sat down on her bed and laid back, "I don't know about you guys but my feet hurt and I'm exhausted."

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><p>Eli was stuck in deep thought as he walked alongside Fiona as they made their way to her car. "What's up with you Mr. Broody? You're more quite than usual," Fiona inquired, breaking his train of thought.<p>

"Nothing's really wrong I was just thinking about a few things," Eli replied stuffing his hands into his pockets, "Today has been one of those odd days."

"I'd say so; Clare, Alli, and Jenna as your roommates? That has to be the biggest coincidence I've ever seen," Fiona agreed sounding just as shocked as she had been earlier.

"It's not that, though I have to admit that is a pretty big coincidence. It's Clare. There's something off about her," he sighed and ran one of his hands through his hair like he always did when he was worrying about something.

"People change over time?" Fiona offered as an explanation to why Clare was acting strange.

"No, Fiona, it's more than an 'I haven't seen this person in a while' different," Eli struggled to find the right explanation for it but came up shorthanded, "Look, I can't explain it but something isn't right."

They came to a stop in front of a metallic purple Mustang, otherwise known as Fiona's expensive dream car. She pulled out her keys, clicked a button, and with a slight beep of the alarm the trunk opened to reveal the last bit of things Eli had to get.

"_Eli_," Fiona stressed his name letting worry fill her voice, "Maybe you shouldn't let yourself get all caught up in this?"

Eli knew what she was hinting at and shook his head in response, "Look, it's not like that. I'll tell you the truth; of course I still have feelings for Clare. I probably always will, but this has nothing to do with what feelings I do or do not have. This is about the fact that there is something really wrong and I'm going to get to the bottom of it."

Fiona shrugged, knowing that there was nothing she could do to change his mind once it was set on a certain path. "Well, here's a little piece of advice I've learned that might help you; if she wants to talk about it she will. Just give her some time. Oh, and be careful."

"I'll make sure to commit that to memory," he promised with a genuine smile, "Wait a second; when did you become so wise, Ms. Coyne?" Eli feigned surprise which caused Fiona to roll her eyes and laugh.

"I'll have you know that I have always been wise," Fiona replied seriously as she crossed her arms to emphasis it.

"Well, oh great wise one, are you going to help me get my stuff out of the truck, or are we just going to stand here all day?" Eli arched his eyebrow questioningly.

"Yes, I'm going to help you, but we need to hurry because I really do need to start heading back to Toronto," Fiona answered as she looked down at the time on her phone.

"When you make that visit to the Hospital could you say hi to Adam for me?" Eli asked as they started taking his things out of the trunk of the car. "I mean I know that he can't exactly hear you but it would make me feel better about not being able to be there," he added sullenly as he looked up at her.

"Sure thing," Fiona smiled sweetly.

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><p>Eli struggled to maintain his balance as he walked up the steps that lead to the dorm room. He was juggling two boxes and two bags, and wasn't sure exactly how long he could keep up this circus act before something decided to tip over and fall. Fiona had had to leave as soon as they finished taking his things out of her car, so now he was trying to haul everything up to the room at once on his own. He wasn't even sure if he would be able to get the door open once he got there, and now he realized that it would have been smart to have had a third person come with them.<p>

However, by some unknown miracle he was able to make it safely up the steps and to the door without dropping anything or injuring himself. The only problem now was getting the door open without making too much sound. Eli was sure that the girls had fallen asleep already and the fact that it was around eleven at night made that possibility even more likely. So he slowly set his things down on the floor and then gently opened the door, and sure enough it was completely dark in the room aside from the light that filtered in through the open door.

"Now all I have to do is move my stuff from the hall to the room," Eli whispered to himself as he turned back around to look at the boxes and bags that sat on the floor. "Great. And now I'm talking to myself." He shook his head and began moving each item into the room making sure to make as little sound as possible.

Once he finally had everything moved into the room he realized how exhausted he was and decided that he would just leave everything where it was and finish the rest of his unpacking in the morning.

Eli tiptoed stealthily toward the small room that was attached onto their dorm and hoped that his moving adventure hadn't woken anyone up. He entered the room, making sure to close the door behind himself, and made his way over to the bed.

He stared up at the ceiling, lost in thought, as he lay in the bed. He could feel himself slowly drifting toward unconsciousness when suddenly he heard a small tap on the door. Eli looked up curiously wondering if he had just been imagining the sound, but sure enough the tapping sounded again.

"Eli, are you awake?" An upset voice called out half muffled by the door.

The voice made Eli get up quickly, rush over to the door, and throw it open, "Clare, what are you doing up? I thought…" Eli's voice faded into silence as he took in the scene before him; Clare stood in front of him with her arms wrapped around herself and tears streaming down her face.

"What's wrong?" Eli's voice took on a slightly panicked tone but Clare didn't reply. Instead she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him letting out a sob she had been holding in.

Clare didn't even understand why her legs had carried her to Eli's room when she had woken up from that horrible nightmare. All she knew is she couldn't shake this dreadful feeling that was overwhelming her.

Eli looked down at her as she sobbed into his chest, and wrapped his arms around her shaking frame. He was completely taken aback by what he was witnessing. Eli had never seen Clare so fragile or terrified before in all of the time he had known her. Right now the girl he held in his arms seemed like a completely different person from the confident, strong, and sometimes stubborn girl he had come to know.

"Shh, Clare, it's going to be alright," Eli whispered rubbing her back slightly trying to comfort her.

The only piece of information Eli didn't know though was the fact that Clare didn't just have some made up nightmare. She had just woken up from a nightmare where she had to relive the moments she'd hope she'd never have to relive again. Those moments included the car crash that was responsible for Adam's currant state. It was also the car crash that she blamed herself for.

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><p><em>An:_** This took me forever to write! 3,000+ words which is the longest chapter I've ever written for anything. I feel as if I really drew out some of the stuff in this chapter too much. If anyone thinks I did then please tell me so I can refrain from doing so in the future.**

**I want to apologize for making Alli and Eli a tad OOC. I had to find some way for them to be able to get along because the plot needed them to have buried the hatchet and since they're in college now I figure both would be able to put aside their differences. **

**I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this chapter only because I feel as if I dwelled on some things and drew them out too much and then rushed other points, but I really want to get to the main thing about this story. However, I hope that everyone enjoyed it. **

**Oh and the answer to why I choose the number 1810 for their dorm is because August 18****th****, 2010 was the air date for Still Fighting It Part 1. So I took the numbers 18 and 10 and put them together! I'm kind of thinking I should have used the numbers 818 now though. **

**Oh and to anyone who wants to see what the car that I based Fiona's off of looks like you can check on my profile because I'm going to be posting the link to it on there.**

**Anyway; Reviews are greatly appreciated! That includes criticism as well. **

**Twitter: **MunroCNation

**Tumblr: **deareli

**-Love, Lina**


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